I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
