A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
