I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
