I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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