Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
