1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
