how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
