I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
