take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
