Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
