You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize