There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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