so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
