My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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