wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
