is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
