Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize