Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
