Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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