I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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