you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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