I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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