you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
