I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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