So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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