the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
