the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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