I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
