Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
