you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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