I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
