don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
