First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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