um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
