Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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