So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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