im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Randomize
