nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
