I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
