I'm gonna have a badass scar
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
