fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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