i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
