The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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