phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
