Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
