I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
