Sponge bath it is.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
