So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
