so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
