It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
