Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
