Plan B is the new Plan A
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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