perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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