if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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