My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
