I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
