I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize