Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
