Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
