My friends, they love my intelligence
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
